Of course, I feel guilty. Motherhood equals guilt. I look at the űbermoms - working, juggling several kids, thin - really thin - with envy but hey, all of us have to accept our limitations. And, breast feeding was making me crazy - the hormones, the scheduling, the kid on the tit constantly. It was stifling - I was a food source for another human being!
I'm already claustrophobic and having to schedule how long I could be away from the baby was making me even nuttier. And, those pesky hormones. They were making me a wee bit crazy! I had post-partum bitchy-ness -- and I was not pleasant to be around as my husband would trepidacously hint to me. It took all of my energy not to yell which left me with precious little to expend on being a wife and mother to my older children not to mention that pesky work thing. I have never been so happy to get my period... well, except for when I was single and not ready for parenthood. Let me rephrase; I haven't been so happy to get my period in years... maybe even decades.
While it is one of the miracles of being a female of any species - the ability to turn body fluids into life-sustaining titty juice it is not fun. Miracles are exhausting! I was raised on formula - in the sixties breast feeding was viewed as passé, a disadvantage to your child in the modern age of formula - but now, nature is viewed as best and my retro reliance on formula is no longer cutting edge.
In addition to the guilt there is fear. The fear that I am not only failing as a mother (the shade of guilt that I am not doing enough - vs. doing too much, etc.) but that I am putting another human being at risk mentally (intelligence) and physically (obesity, various diseases). There seems to be a study a week which extols the virtues of breast feeding -- and various other parenting techniques which I either fail at or don't even attempt at all. Have I failed as a parent already? It's scary.
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